Hide-and-Seek Heart

They told me Love is provision
Why waste time with emotions
When I can buy your love with cash money
I love you, therefore, I provide
I don't have time for your heart, besides
Your heart is wicked and completely deceitful
Crying is manipulation, feelings mislead you.
So shut off your heart and do as I say
Hide your fears, run from pain
Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show

...till my heart had nowhere to go

and I didn't know
that my heart was still there
still crying
still bleeding inside
an internal hemorrhage
no one could see
till I couldn't feel Love
it was a clogged artery.
But I wanted to feel it, whatever it was
Oh, so badly I longed to experience Love
Love is provision, provision is earned
Pay your rent, do your chores
get straight A's, know "The Word"
In exchange, you'll get 3 square meals and a bed
2 "I love you's", 1 hug, and a roof over your head
Fuck it up and you're screwed
(DON'T say THOSE words out loud!
You'll get spankings for sure,
and you'll likely get grounded.)
So I worked my ass tush off
to be
Mary Poppins (without the fun):
Practically perfect in every way,
God's poster child,
teacher's pet
mom and dad's favourite.

And I was! 
....but that's all that I was.

A heartless, perfection-producing machine.
That was me.

Until one day, something inside me
made me remember
A whisper told me, I must have a heart,
because, doesn't everyone?

So I started a heartless search
for the me that once was,
that must have been,
once beating and pumping
and crying and feeling
and living
now merely
existing.

In the search for the hidden heart,
I've mostly found pain,
sadness, anger, fears,
and a lifetime supply of suppressed tears.
Layer on layer,
wall after wall,
I break down
I peel back
I conquer them all.
As I dig through this pile
of rubble and pain
I hold onto Hope that,
one day,
I will see her again:
My Heart.
The Beautiful one.
The one with Courage like a warrior
and Faith like a child
the one that's unreserved,
untamed,
W I L D .
The glittering, glimmering, glorious one
Aged with wisdom, yet eternally young.

No longer seeking acceptance
No longer working for worth
No longer looking for Love.

Because the brave little heart knows she is buried treasure
The hidden heart sees she's been sought after
The lost heart has finally been

                                                    FOUND.