I've been hiding behind the mask of my fears and insecurities for far too long.
I've found my salvation in my own attempts at perfection rather than trusting my imperfections to Love himself.
I've lived in intimate relationship with religious practices and performance, never getting to know the One they speak of for myself.
I've hidden my fear of intimacy behind "boundaries" and my embarrassment over physical imperfections behind the veil of "modesty."
I've shut every female I've known out of the deepest places of my heart because I'm afraid of them. Afraid of their judgment, afraid of being misunderstood, afraid of their labels...
Slut.
Player.
Heartbreaker.
I've shut Love down. I've shut my heart up.
I've perfected the confident smile and having-my-shit-together exterior so that no one will see the war waging within. The battle between being my true self and filling the stereotypes placed on me; between letting my heart love the way it was created versus letting society define who I can love and how much and how it must be expressed.
I am torn by the constant paradox of being a people-pleaser who hates making others uncomfortable, yet knowing that I was born to break stereotypes, rebel against expectations, shatter false suppositions, and combat cultural norms.
I'm terrified of being unveiled. I'm so afraid of letting my heart be truly seen. I'm so convinced that if I take my mask down and show you who I really am, you won't like what you see.
But Dad is calling me out of hiding. He's whispering sweet nothings to my heart, telling me that my heart is good and can be trusted. Promising me that I am already deeply known and deeply loved. He is so patient, yet I hear a slight urgency in his gentle voice, as if people need to hear the words I have to say, as if it's time to finally say them.
There is so much fear.
But there is no opportunity for bravery without the presence of fear.
And I am Courage.
So I look Fear in the face and say,
"Do your worst. For I shall do mine."
My heart was made to be in love.
And I'm not saving it for one person.
I was created for deep intimacy.
And I'm not waiting for marriage.
My heart craves the opportunity to be vulnerable and real and completely honest.
And I'm not placing limits.
The language of my love is deep, raw, meaningful conversation and physical connection.
And I'm breaking my own boundaries.
I'm done. I'm fed up. I'm so fucking sick of letting Love be limited by labels and expectations. And I'm so exhausted of running everything I say and do through the filter of "What will society think?" and "What will church people say?", because I don't fit in to either place and I don't give a shit anymore.
I'm coming out of hiding.
I'm taking off the mask.
I'm being me.
Real, raw, unfiltered, unapologetically me.
Take it or leave it.
I believe in Love.
I believe that Love is why we're here, Love is our purpose. Love is what created us, and Love is where we're going. If I don't have Love, I am NOTHING.
So I'm throwing off everything else. I'm done caring what people think. I'm done with religious bullshit telling me that I can separate myself from God, who is Love. I'm done believing that Love can be wasted.
I'm all in. I'm recklessly pursuing Love at any cost, because I believe that, ultimately,
LOVE ALWAYS WINS.
Now I know that this sounds all idealistic and unrealistic. What does it actually mean? What does reckless love look like?
Maybe it looks like holding your best friend in your arms until he believes that not all touch is sexual and not everyone wants to take advantage of him.
Maybe it's letting your heart fall in love with someone you know will never love you back, just to let him know he's worth it.
Maybe it means giving your dad one more chance, opening your heart just one more time, even after he's been emotionally vacant your entire life.
Maybe it's breaking past social barriers and praying for your employer's shattered leg day after day until Dad finally brings complete healing.
Maybe it's buying the beggar on the street Chick-fil-A so you can hear her story and pray for her and give her a hug and tell her it's going to be okay.
Maybe it's letting your 35-year-old friend hold your hand so he will believe that someone accepts him as he is.
Maybe it even looks like throwing off your religious presuppositions and supporting your gay friend's relationship choices because you know that it's the only way he can receive love right now.
There are so many implications. There are so many unknowns. Yes, I know, so many things could go terribly wrong. But what if I trust my heart, what if I trust them, what if I trust GOD enough to believe that maybe, just maybe, if we fight hard enough for Love.... things will somehow go terribly right, and we will find healing and wholeness and the true heart of God. Maybe, at the end of the day... Love will truly win.
